Gentle parenting is a term that has recently become trendy but one that early childhood educators have been utilizing in preschool classrooms for years. So, what is gentle parenting and why does it incorporate techniques used by teachers? The philosophy is a positive parenting approach that prioritizes emotional well-being and development of children while encouraging a strong emotional connection between caregivers and children. Sounds like the kind of respectful teaching philosophy you’d want your child exposed to, right? Now you might be wondering, how does this differ from traditional parenting? Unlike traditional authoritarian parenting or punitive disciplinary methods where a child might be sent to their room for time out or provided a sticker chart for positive reinforcement, gentle parenting encourages an open dialogue about behavioral choices and strives to help children find intrinsic motivation for their actions.
Benefits of Gentle Parenting: A Non-Punitive Approach
Gentle parenting techniques teach skills that preschool teachers more commonly refer to as “Social Emotional Learning” or “SEL”. In a preschool classroom, we utilize the techniques of gentle parenting by putting names to feelings and developing empathy. If a child gets upset because we are transitioning from one activity to another and it’s time to put their favorite toy away they might cry, throw a tantrum, or even hit. In these moments we utilize gentle parenting or “gentle teaching” to give names to the feelings that the child is having.
A teacher might say “I can see that you are sad to put the blocks away. I understand that must be hard for you. When we come back in from lunch we can play with the blocks again.”
This simple exchange labels the child’s feeling – that they are sad.
It displays empathy and demonstrates how to communicate it – telling the child that the teacher can see that is disappointing for the child to stop playing with their toy.
Finally, it offers context as to the situation and a resolution while still maintaining the boundary by saying – we are going to have lunch regardless of the tantrum, but that they can play with the blocks again soon.
The long-term benefits of employing social emotional learning or gentle parenting both in the classroom and at home are abundant. Children raised in gentle parenting environments tend to develop strong emotional intelligence, allowing them to navigate relationships and emotions with greater ease. Additionally, it fosters a sense of trust and self-worth, reducing the likelihood of behavioral challenges during teenage years. Moreover, it sets the stage for children to become happy, companionate, empathic individuals who are better equipped to positively contribute to society.
Encountering Problems with Gentle Parenting
I can tell you firsthand that the greatest struggle I see with gentle parenting toddlers or gentle education is the emotional control that it requires from caregivers. Often the situations that lead to gentle parenting learning moments are emotionally trying and frustrating for the caregiver. Everyone in the early childhood education field as well as every parent has experienced a completely irrational toddler meltdown. Trying to have a constructive conversation with a tantruming preschooler about why they can’t eat from their friend’s lunchbox is draining. Additionally, gentle parenting is a long-term solution to building lifelong traits in a child and rarely are the benefits seen overnight. Balancing gentleness with the need for respectful discipline can be tricky and requires a great deal of patience and consistency to be successful.
Gentle Parenting Techniques You Can Use At Home
Effectively gentle parenting toddlers and young children starts with purposeful communication. When your child is upset because you opened the door first walking into school and they really had their heart set on being the one to perform that action, you must actively listen to your child as they express their disappointment and help them to put words to those feelings. I have seen the aforementioned event cause many a meltdown and while the situation may seem insignificant to adults, it can really strike a cord with young children. Sharing empathy and concern for your child’s disappointment as well as labeling those feelings will help them not only provide a positive model for how to interpret big feelings, but it will nurture a line of open communication with your toddler.
Start by actively listening to your child’s concern’s and take time to truly hear what they are saying. For example “I wanted to be the one to open the door”. Next help them find the words to describe what they are feeling – “I see that you are disappointed that I opened the door first”. You may then offer to give them the opportunity to try again. “Why don’t we go back outside and this time you can be the one to open the door?”
You may also encounter a situation where you are unable to give your child the opportunity to get what they want, but it is still important to validate their feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. For example, if while grocery shopping your child wants to get a candy bar before lunch you should still tell them “no, we must eat our healthy food first”, but let them know that it’s ok to be upset. Show your child know that you support their emotional response, even if you don’t share it.
Gentle parenting techniques also emphasize using respectful language and tone when speaking with your child. This can be one of the most challenging aspects of the philosophy, particularly when you are experiencing a heated moment – for instance a tantrum – with your child. When your child’s behavior or communication escalates though, it’s important that you keep your cool. Instead of yelling or using harsh words to get your message across, aim to communicate CALMLY and KINDLY. Remember that your behavior is the greatest model and future predictor for how your child will respond emotionally to situations.
The final cornerstone of gentle parenting encourages self-expression. Allow your child to express themselves freely by creating a safe space where they can share about their experiences, dreams, and fears, without judgement. You can do this by actively creating that line of open communication that we talked about earlier. Prompt discussions with your child daily by asking open-ended questions. For example – “Can you tell me about your day at school?”
How to Discipline with Gentle Parenting
Often parents will ask “How do I discipline with Gentle Parenting?” And when parents ask that they are generally wondering how to take punitive measures when a child is misbehaving. The traditional theory behind discipline is of course that negative consequences motivate children to behave in a certain way. As we discussed though, gentle parenting trends towards helping children to eventually be intrinsically motivated to make good choices. This does not mean that those who utilize gentle parenting techniques are pushovers. Rather than discipline children, they hold boundaries. For example, if a child throws their toys in a burst of anger you could explain to the child that “we don’t throw toys, we take care of them. Throwing toys can hurt other people and break our toys.”
If the child continues to throw their toys you may take them away and say “I see that you are having a hard time not throwing your toys. To keep everyone safe and prevent your toys from breaking I’m going to set them aside right now. We can try playing with them later.”
This type of gentle parenting dialogue takes a constructive approach rather than a disciplinary approach. In both scenarios the parent will likely take the toy away, but in one it is done with a punitive message and in the other it is performed to help teach the child respect for an item and about safety.
What To Do When Gentle Parenting “Doesn’t Work”
There will inevitably come a time when any parent or caregiver feels their gentle parenting techniques are simply not working. As an adult, it’s important to remember that even when you aren’t getting the desired results from the process – a calm, sensible emotional response from your child – that big reactions are part of the learning process. A tantrum does not mean failure, it is simply another learning opportunity.
In these situations, it’s crucial to stay calm and composed. If a child is in the midst of a severe tantrum their emotions may be overwhelming, and gentle parenting techniques might not immediately alleviate the satiation. When this has happened at school, we first prioritize safety and redirect the child to a quieter or “safe space” away from other children or people, particularly if the child is hitting or kicking. In our preschool classrooms we would often designate a “safe space” in a cozy corner normally by the book area. Consider creating a designated “safe space” in your own home for especially challenging moments.
During extreme meltdowns like this you may let the child know that you are giving them a moment to settle down and that you will be nearby when they are ready to talk. Just like you, children sometimes need a moment to themselves when upset! Give your child some physical space and do not speak to the child if this seems to exacerbate things. Be sure to maintain supervision though.
Once the immediate situation is under control, you can revisit gentle parenting techniques, emphasizing empathy, understanding, and communication. Sometimes it takes awhile though for both you and your child to cool down after a heated event before addressing the issue. Make sure you are both ready and able to have a calm and meaningful discussion.
Remember that gentle parenting is a long-term approach that requires a life-long commitment to repetition. There will be moments when it takes time and persistence to see the positive effects. Stay motivated through the knowledge that you are not alone in dealing with big toddler feelings; and your emotional composure (though challenging at times!) is creating a model that will serve your child for the rest of their life.