A few years ago, I was amazed when I walked into one of our older two-year-old classrooms. All of the children stood in a circle holding their jackets in preparation to go out onto the play yard on a chilly winter day. The teacher instructed the children to put their jackets on and simultaneously all the students laid out their jackets on the floor. The jackets were set open with the arms near the children’s feet and the waist pointing towards the inside of the circle. From there each child ducked their head down by their knees, shoved their arms in the jacket sleeves and proudly flipped the jackets over their heads with surprising success.
This was just one little trick that this teacher had managed to show her group of 30-month-olds in a list of many self-help skills aimed to foster toddler independence. Encouraging independence and self-help skills is a major focus in preschool. It is in my opinion one of the most valuable things students learn and that parents often overlook. As educators, one commonality we notice among incoming students is that no matter what age they are - 15 months or 4.5 years old - children are often practicing less independence skills than they are capable of. As parents we are naturally wired to want to help our children. We feel it’s our responsibility to do things for them and to make good decisions for them. Or sometimes we are just hustling to get out the door and we can put on shoes, jackets, and grab water bottles faster than our children can. More often than not though, we are holding our children back from practicing decision making skills and performing valuable self-help responsibilities on their own. So how and why should we put a focus on fostering toddler independence? Let’s take a look.
The Benefits of Teaching Self-Help Skills to Young Children
You don’t need to tell the parent of a toddler that young children are eager to assist themselves and test boundaries as they strive to gain a sense of control over their world. If you have a young child, you already know this. However, as frustrating as these exhibits of independence may be, they are a crucial developmental milestone. Supporting self-help habits and cognitive independence creates a foundation for enhanced self-esteem, improved problem-solving skills, language and motor skill development, as well as emotional regulation.
Take for example the lessons learned by the toddlers mentioned in the earlier scenario. By learning to put on their own jackets those students would have enhanced their large motor skills. They learned new vocabulary to describe the process of placing the jacket on the floor and eventually swinging it over their heads. They built self-resilience and emotional regulation by practicing persistence and encountering frustration as they had to try repeatedly to get their jackets on. Lastly, they developed an enduring sense of accomplishment and boosted their self-esteem by mastering a task that had previously always been done for them. The process of teaching a group of 2.5 year olds to put their jackets on probably wasn’t easy, but the educator who persisted with the exercise every day before going onto the play yard was making a true investment in her students’ development.
Encouraging Toddler Independence At Home
Just as the two-year old teacher did, you can also learn to positively foster independence in your child. One of the most natural ways to teach independence is to encourage problem solving. Regularly ask open-ended questions that prompts your child to think and offer solutions. Children love to ask adults “Why?” questions – why is the sky blue, why can’t we have cookies for breakfast, why did they hear a car honk. When your child hits you with a “why” question, respond with another thought provoking question back to them. If they ask why they can’t have cookies for breakfast perhaps respond that cookies aren’t foods that fuel our body. Then ask what foods they know of that are good “growing foods” and “what are some fun activities they might want to fuel their body for?”
To promote cognitive independence, it is also helpful to give your child the opportunity to make decisions for themselves. They love this! Present them with lots of opportunities to make choices and to earn their buy in. This will not only help them to feel more independent, but it is also a great tool for avoiding meltdowns. Decision making allows children to practice critical thinking as well as gaining a sense of autonomy. It shows them that their voice is heard and reinforces the idea that their opinions matter. Start off by offering your child simple choices – for example – “do you want apple slices or banana for snack?” – then build up to more complicated decision making that employs critical thinking. “Do you want to go to the park before the grocery store when the ice cream truck might be there? Or do you want to go to the grocery store first, and go to the park after when daddy might be able to meet us when he gets off work?”
Encouraging toddlers to practice self-help skills at home will help to build independence and benefit children who also need to practice these skills at school. Repetition is key to mastering self-help tasks so the more children can do them the better! Some great ways to start practicing self-help are by getting your child involved in performing aspects of their daily routine. Toddlers and preschoolers can take part in dressing themselves, setting the table for meals, taking care of pets, taking care of belongings, and cleaning up toys. More often than not you will be surprised that your toddler is thrilled to help you with tasks like cleaning up spilled apple juice or throwing their garbage in the trash. When you ask your toddler to help you with these items it helps them to feel important.
Practicing personal hygiene activities is also a great introduction to tackling self-help skills. In addition, you can also avoid a disagreement over teeth brushing if you ask your toddler “Can you do it today?”. Even if you have to offer to help at the end that’s ok. Wondering what to do if your toddler says, no, that they don’t want to brush their teeth? Go back to giving them choices as discussed earlier. “You can brush your teeth or mommy can brush your teeth. Which do you want?” Such questions will usually illicit those three famous toddler words - “I DO IT.”
Troubleshooting Independence
Like anything with parenting, fostering independence in young children doesn’t come without its challenges. It can be hard on children and difficult for parents not to step in when their child is struggling. It is important to remember though that children learn from developmentally appropriate challenges. Sure, asking a toddler to change a tire would be frustrating for them and fruitless. Asking them to put the caps back on their markers however, might feel burdensome but it’s entirely achievable. If a child gets frustrated when attempting to complete a task remember to be patient and to model emotional regulation. Recognize small efforts and progress. Encourage them and offer praise that is self-reflective. If your child has been trying to pedal a bike and finally figures it out try saying “you worked so hard to learn that, you must be very proud”. This type of language reinforces positive feelings that children are building about themselves.
Generally, young children enjoy trying to do things themselves. However, in some cases it can be taxing and they may want to revert back to the comfort of mom or dad performing those tasks. At preschool in our three in four-year-old classes we taught children how to set up their mats for nap including stretching a crib sheet over the nap cot. Not surprisingly, stretching a crib sheet over a nap cot can be an arduous task, especially for a young child. When children asked the teacher to do it or stared at the sheet without trying, a teacher would step in but would not necessarily do it for them. They would instead suggest that they do it together. Step by step the teacher would ask the child questions about the process saying, “what do you think we should do first?”. They would also do things like ask the child to grab the corner of the sheet and show them where to pull it. By the end of the task the teacher had assisted the child, but the child was very responsible in performing the activity themselves, even though initially they had tried to avoid it.
First Steps Towards Toddler Independence
So, if you feel your toddler is ready to exert more independence over themselves, now is a great time to test the waters. Independence is built gradually, and baby (or toddler!) steps are a great way for both child and parent to become comfortable addressing this developmental milestone. By instilling a sense of ability in your child you will not only make daily routines run smoother but also provide your child with the lifelong tools to become confident, resilient, and self-reliant.