I’ll be honest, deciding to have two children under two years old made me nervous. I felt that I already had my hands VERY full with a young toddler. However, my husband and I ultimately knew that we wanted two kids and the clock was ticking with poignant intensity. We were both getting older, and I had dealt with infertility prior to having our first child, so I knew that getting pregnant again could potentially be a lengthy process. As luck would have it though, four days after my first IVF transfer, I found myself pregnant and on track to have two young children under two years old.
My son was 21 months old when my daughter was born. Just as I’d remembered with my son when he was a newborn, for me the first several months with two little ones was the hardest. As I soon learned, juggling two very young children is a juggling act, a skill like any other that improves with practice, but is never mastered. What I wish I could have told myself looking back only 9 months now is that caring for two children under two gets MUCH EASIER as a routine becomes established. Everyone in our household from my husband and I, the kids, and (even the dogs!) seemed to settle down once we found a rhythm as a family of four. That process though was easier said than done. For me finding that routine and helping both children to recognize it was the biggest struggle.
Challenges of Two Under Two
For quite a while, caring for my son was much more challenging than caring for my newborn daughter. My son was not very communicative nor terribly independent, so he very much needed mommy! If you are in this place though – know that six months makes a world of difference! Following my daughter’s birth, I was physically and mentally depleted. I was revering from a c-section as well as postpartum preeclampsia and on top of all of that the baby blues hit me H-A-R-D. It took about six weeks before I began to feel myself again mentally and find the rhythm of my new and increasingly chaotic life!
At times in the beginning, I felt completely overwhelmed by the responsibility of two little frequently wailing children, and their tears weighed on me like a personal failure. I came to realize later that this thinking was heavily influenced by my baby blues, and not my true ineptitude, but the feelings at the time were very real. I recall one evening about three weeks after my daughter was born when I had encouraged my husband, who is a musician, to go enjoy band practice with his friends. This was something that he’d put on hold for the last month but I knew at some point we had to get back to our personal hobbies and so I figured I’d rip the band aid off.
The evening ended up being a complete disaster. The children spent most of the night crying in tandem and I had absolutely no clue how to do a bedtime routine with two kids, not to mention a newborn that had no semblance of a sleep schedule. By about 7:30pm we were all in tears and I was wondering if I’d bit off more than I could chew as a mom of two.
It Gets Easier
What I did discover after that night though is that through trial and error I learned to create a routine. So every Wednesday night when my husband went to band practice and I had to take care of both kids on my own I got a little bit better at it.
I practiced bathing my son while entertaining the baby on a blanket next to the tub. I tried rocking her in a little chair with my foot while reading bedtime stories to my toddler, and then I finally decided on making her bedtime just before my son’s to give myself and him some one-on-one time. Of course “bedtime” for a newborn is a loose term and they will wake up anywhere from 60 to 120 minutes after being put down “to bed”, but creating this window of time for my toddler’s nighttime routine felt like a small success.
In addition, this one-on-one time was crucial because I could see some sibling jealousy starting to creep into my toddler. When I held the baby he would often start crying and asking to be held, or try to push my daughter out of my lap if we were all reading a book together. Clearly, even at 21 months, for a toddler learning to share Mama is an adjustment!
Returning to a “normal” sleep schedule was perhaps the biggest and most rewarding hurdle to overcome with two children under two. Toddlers take A LOT of energy and so having a newborn and a toddler is not at all like simply having a newborn. You are constantly in motion and working to meet the needs a of a very tiny, and very active human. With our second child we were fortunate to have the help of a night nanny several nights a week for the first six weeks, so I was able to get some much-needed long nights of rest. This helped me to not only overcome my postpartum preeclampsia, but to return to a healthy mental state and be the best mom I could be for my toddler. I realize that we are incredibly lucky to have had the luxury of a night nanny, but if you are considering it, I cannot recommend the experience enough. It will give you back your sanity!
Moving Beyond Two Under Two
Just as we were wrapping up the newborn stage my son turned two years old. From that point on, my infant daughter began to get easier and less fussy, and my toddler son became more communicative and independent. Now that my daughter is 9 months old and my son is 2.5 years old, I can confidently say that life is MUCH easier than it was 7 or 8 months ago. Even though my daughter is crawling and very much on the go, we can do things with both children that fill our cups and allow us to feel, if only temporarily, that we have things under control! For starters, everybody sleeps through the night, they can go to the park together – (the baby loves the infant swings!), we can go out to dinner as a family and everyone generally acts respectably in public so long as we don’t push it more than an hour. We also do regular trips out to the zoo and both children enjoy it.
What is most special about the time we spend together now are the moments where I begin to see my kids interact. My son enjoys making faces that cause the baby to laugh, and my daughter squeals with delight when her brother rolls around on the floor with her. These simple snapshots in time remind me why I’m so glad that we have two children close together in age, and at times the cuteness even makes me wonder if a third child would just make my heart explode… Hmmm?
Tips for Surviving Two Under Two
Adjusting to having two kids under two is about finding a routine that meets you and your children’s needs and allows you to maintain some semblance of balance in everyone’s life – physically, emotionally, and socially. For me that meant getting to a place where I didn’t feel constantly overwhelmed (it’s inevitable that you will occasionally be overwhelmed) and participating again in things that are important to me as an individual – spending time with friends and enjoying hobbies.
Here are my tips for helping you get ‘back on track’ following the birth of your second child. Take these to heart and remember that your two under two adjustment period will take time, but soon enough you and your little ones will be thriving!
1. Get Sleep – There’s only so much you can do on this front, but working on a routine that you can split with your partner if applicable, enlisting the help of family, or utilizing a night nanny is CRUCIAL to making you a functioning human being again. Until you are getting reasonable sleep it will feel impossible to keep up with a newborn, let alone the energy of a toddler!
2. Use Baby Gear to Your Advantage! – Need to go grocery shopping? Baby wear your infant and place your toddler in a shopping cart. Want to visit the park? Bring some exciting new sand toys and a Tush Baby carrier so that you can easily hold your infant and keep your toddler relatively contained in the sandbox. Need to get out of the house? Put the double stroller to use! It can be intimidating to leave the house with both children – especially on your own – but your sanity will be glad you braved the outing.
3. Accept What You Can’t Control – There will be times when both children are crying and screaming. You won’t be able to make them happy no matter how hard you try or how well you planned. Know that this is just part of life and try to let it go. Remember, demonstrating how to regulate emotions will (eventually!) teach your children to do it themselves as they learn by example.